Friday, March 04, 2016

A Simpler Time

I don't know these kids, but I do know any one of them could beat me.
We've been talking a lot about current magic and soon to be magic, so I just want to take a moment and share a story with you that you don't want to hear and didn't ask for. This story takes place back in a time when magic was simpler.

Now when I say simpler I don't mean game mechanics were easier or the sets at the time had simpler mechanics, I just mean that I had no idea what I was doing and that made Magic very simple. I may be a bad magic player now, but at least I kind of understand how to play the game. Back when I was 10 or 11 and just starting, I didn't know what cards were good and what cards were bad, and on top of that, I didn't understand any real strategy or ya know, most things, because I was ten. 

Playing that expert level shit
I got my first pre-made deck from Prophecy and I learned to play Magic with that deck. I don't remember at all what was in that deck except for three cards. Two of these cards I thought made the best combo in the world. Mind you I was 10, but everyone I was playing with was around 14 who had been playing since they were 10, or 40 who had been playing since beta. I was a mere peasant among gods. But that didn't phase me so I walk into the room like I'm hot shit with shades on and making it rain magic cards. I sit down with my prophecy deck and I'm ready to combo these two cards together for an easy win and that sweet sweet 10 year old prestige.

This was my ultimate two card combo. I'd hit them for 15 and more than likely by the time I had 9 mana they had taken 5 damage. Do you know how fucking good it felt to pull this "combo" off when those were the best two cards I owned? Yeah, neither do I because it never happened. I, like your mom, never got to feel that beautiful moment of release where I came out on top because I was a stupid dumb kid who only had one win condition (I'm sure there were more win conditions but shit son, an 8/8? nothing in Magic is stronger than that. That shit is unkillable.)

Fun fact about these cards:
  • Up until I looked up the art for Avatar of Might for this, I forgot about his first ability which means I definitely never used this ability. This has not gotten better. I still don't read cards.
  • I never really paid mind to the fact that Avatar of Might had trample. He is just like a really big Siege Rhino without the ETB effect. So really, he is nothing like Siege Rhino.
  • I did not understand Vitalizing Wind was an instant so I always used it before combat then they just chumped everything. Now, instead, I just try to play sorceries at instant speed to make up for this loss of spell understanding.
Despite all this, I have some of the best memories of getting my ass kicked by dragon decks and squirrel decks and 60 card land piles that they called a deck. My main strategy was play a big thing and turn it sideways. We all know the best cards in magic are just simple brutes that are big. There would never be an instance where a 2/2 for 2 was in everyday played. Only 6/6 and bigger. That was why magic was simpler. I could only buy a booster a week so every deck I played was one of's and just the biggest things I could find. It was beautiful. Plus, back then I could at least accredit my win/lose ratio to the fact that I had one of's and no understanding of the game. What's my excuse now?

On and unrelated note this is the only other card I remember from that premade deck:

Wizards, please, make more wumpi so I can build a wumpus deck.
Hunted Wumpus (with the original and much better art) was another card I just didn't get. I got a 6/6 for 4 so clearly it was good right? Yes but they get a whateverthefuck/whateverthefuck dragon that the wumpus can do nothing against. But I didn't care because I got a 6/6 and a 6/6 was strong. Plus he was a wumpus. What is a wumpus? I have no idea. Some sort of bullshit elephant bodied, drunk, dinosaur head with lions fur, pokemon from the looks of it. And he forever holds a special place in my heart.


Do you too have fond memories of sucking at magic? Do you also wish for more wumpi? Do you have any idea of what a wumpus is? If so let us know or share your story. Or just make fun of me for being a bad magic player.


I wumpus, you wumpus, he/she/it wumpuses. 


  1. My playgroup was so bad growing up that once upon a time that the following card stalled out games (stressing the plural)... and I only had 1 of it in a 75 card deck mind you. It was simpler times...

    1. My deck ran 2 healing salves, so that's how you know I was pro-tour level