Thursday, June 30, 2016

Terrible Magic Looking Forward

How I'm feeling right now
Here at Terrible Magic, we as Team Heavy Salami are sharks. That means we don't look back. Why? Because sharks don't have necks and they can't actually look behind them. You know what has necks? Sheep. And I don't mean that in the metaphorical "WAKE UP SHEEPLE" sense, I mean that sheep the actual animals have necks. Sheep need necks so they can look behind them to make sure there are no sharks sneaking up on them. I've side tracked a bit but what I'm getting at is that Terrible Magic is moving forward and has some fun endeavors in the works.

New Look

If you actually read our stuff regularly and not just an article or two, you may have noticed we have a new look. This really encompasses us here at Terrible Magic better than the meat face did. You can see it has sunglasses because we're pretty cool dudes, it's heavy because we play Magic and don't move a lot, and it slightly curves to the left because...well...we slightly curve to the left. Also it's in front of a Magic card because surprise, surprise, Heavy Salami is about Magic. Check out that sweet 5 color background. Those nice defined lines. The meat deli font. It's all real nice looking if you ask me but I'll say just about anything is all real nice looking so you should probably ask Dan.

We have a Twitter

Sometimes we have hilarious quips that are under 140 characters and want to share them with the world. Have a whole article for one quip or saving several quips to put all into a single article sounds like a bad idea. Now don't get me wrong, we are full of bad ideas and support those ideas, but that usually stays within the realm of deck building. If you want updates on events we are at or just want to see what juicy may-mays we have for you then check us out. I'm a fan of this one in particular.

If for some reason you don't find this funny, that's okay because it still makes me laugh and my tears of laughter at this picture will hide my tears of sadness from your lack of love.

We have shirts (kind of)

In Heavy Salami fashion, we have janky first drafts of shirts. They're comfy and beautiful and in the future we will hopefully have ones with a little bit cleaner of a design. We're thinking koozies are gonna be next and then after that probably blankets. After blankets it will be steering wheel covers and scented candles. The possibilities are endless really. We tried to trademark the design but turns out you can't copyright meat. Any Magic event we go to we'll be reppin' that sweet logo so if you see this, then you're seeing us.

Dan: I'm looking into Heavy Salami fanny packs and golf-visors as well. Possibly Heavy Salami cake pans.

Introducing the Salami Scale

For those of you who don't know what the storm scale is, take a look at the link real quick and familiarize yourself with it briefly. To sum it up, it is a 1-10 scale of the likeliness of a mechanic to return in future sets. Here at Terrible Magic we are going to start using the Salami Scale. It will be a 1-10 scale of how janky a particular card or deck or combo is. A 1 at the bottom of the scale is basically 0 jank and you will see this card/deck played by pros. An example card would be Always Watching, and an example deck would be Bant Collected Company. On the high end at 10, that card/deck is nothing but jank and will probably never see real competitive play unless you're the trailblazer to do so. A card example would be Prism Array and a deck example would be Winner Winner Lifegain dinner in that article. It has potential to win in the sense that you do have a win condition but typically you'll go 1-4 or 0-5 depending on how land stuck your opponents get. As far as 2-9 goes I'm not gonna give you specific examples of cards and decks for all of those but just know that the higher the number, the jankier it is and the more we like it. Keep in mind not every article will be using the Salami Scale but now that it's out there we will be using it regularly.

Our partnership with 5 Color Combo

"Partnership" might be a bit of a strong word for where we're at. We don't really want to put a label on it and just have fun together and see where things go. What I can say is that Dan and myself will occasionally have guest articles on 5 Color Combo, so check out their site and check out our stuff once we get some things written for them. We will make a post here letting you all know when we do in fact have something up over there and hopefully will make updates here when we have articles there so you can check us out in two places. Now that we are about to double our internet presence, it's almost going to be like there are two Dans and two Gaiges which is about four more than anyone wants.

Dan: We're going to go on double dates with eachother.

Here at Terrible Magic we never stop moving, well, at least in the writing sense. In the real world sense we don't really move at all. Sometimes we get up to get a beer and sometimes we lean over in our chair to grab a new deck but that's about it. We have new things ahead and hopefully in the future we will have more newer things aheader. The future is looking bright and the meat is looking thick. Check back later this week for more articles!

Have general questions about us but didn't have an opportunity to ask? Want some sweety meaty swagger by getting a Heavy Salami shirt? Want us to Photoshop ourselves into a picture with you? Let us know with a comment or a message!


  1. I'm excited to get a quantitative definition of 'jank'! I'm still not 100% on what it actually means but it hasn't stopped me from enthusiastically sprinkling into my intra-office memos.

    1. Jank is less a word, more a lifestyle. Just kidding. It's a word. Basically a pseudonym for "shitty", which could also be said about every deck I brew.

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