And We'll Never be Roils

The look your opponent will give you if you play this deck

So now that everything for EMN has been spoiled, Wizard's is giving me the final piece I need to make probably one of the worst decks I will create. Gaige here to tell you I don't have a full deck list for this yet so you'll have to fill some of the gaps on your own but that allows you to put a little bit of yourself in the deck. I don't mean that in a gross way so don't get any ideas. I just mean you can add some cards that fit your play style a little more. My play style? Make my opponent so uncomfortable that they just scoop so they can stop sitting across from me. Every time I turn lands sideways I just say "I'd tap that" and wink at them. If I'm lucky they'll forget to counter whatever I play and if they don't just scoop I end up with a better board state. If you want a better more playable deck idea go on over to Dan's article to check out his zombie deck. Maybe check it out regardless, but keep reading if you want a deck that's hard to pilot and almost impossible to win with.

So here is the amazing EMN spoiler that allows all of my shitty dreams to be realized:

An adorable face but a horrifying everything else

Now there are going to be so many ways to use this card to effectively, but we will use this card ineffectively in order to struggle our way to victory. You can now just give your opponent a card you have on the field. "So we're gonna give them Demonic Pact right?" Wrongo! We're going to give them something better. Or worse. It depends on who you ask. "I'm asking you." Well better for them worse for you. So both really. The card you want to give your opponent is this little gem:

"I've never seen a hedron in the flesh"

Give them your roils and watch their brain break in utter confusion. They have no idea where you're going with this, and to be fair neither do you. Just hand this over to them because more than likely they'll only be able to get one 2/2 out of it and if you play it right, you might be able to get a 2/2 out of it first so they can just bump face. Another card you might want to just hand over to them is this friendly little fellow:

Play this, maybe get a 5/5 and then you must part with your sweet four armed lover. Hand him over. Just trust me. You have some 2/2's that you can chump him with while you wait for the big payoff. Now it's not necessary that you hand over both Omnath and the roil so if you want to hang on to this big guy so you get 5/5's while your opponent get's 2/2's that might be ok. "So what do I do now that I'm just giving all my cards away?" You get rid of them.

If I can't have it no one can

As you can see Wizard's was clever enough to not allow you to exile your own things so you have to give it away first. It's an extra step and it's annoying but if you ever get this deck to function the payoff should be pretty decent. At least decent in the sense that it is wearing clothes and it's okay for you to enter the room. Hopefully you have some lands on the field and were able to get some baby locusts with Omnath. You also have an isolation zone which either got rid of their Zendikar's Roil or their Omnath that you so kindly let them borrow. The last and final piece to this horrible misshapen puzzle:

So hopefully you have a fair amount of land and some cards in hand. If you built this deck correctly (which is hard to do because the only correct way to build this deck is to not build this deck) you've got Tamiyo's Journal in here and/or Tireless Tracker for an absolute absurd amount of clues. Total up all your permanents and cards in hand and draw that many cards. Now since your Isolation zone is leaving the battlefield, either Omnath or Zendikar's Roil hit the battlefield before all of your lands come into play. Now you have an army of either 2/2's or 5/5's. If your opponent got really land stuck maybe you managed to get some combination of both. You also now have a ton of land to just play whatever is in your hand to help assure your victory.

Fill the rest of your deck with land searching cards like this. Use lots of Jaddi Offshoots to keep you in the game longer so that even though you won't win, you will at least go to time every game and make the matchups weird for everyone. Since you should have other options, maybe throw in one copy each of Bruna and Gisela as an alternate win condition or be a true champion and just ride this out every time.

This deck gets like an 8 on the Salami Scale. It is full of jank and hardly playable. The best part about this deck is just the clever name for it. Will you win with it? Almost never. Will it feel good when you pull it off? You've never known things could feel this good. Honestly this would probably be better as a Naya Landfall EDH deck but all the pieces are in standard right now so play it while it's hot. And when I say hot I mean in the sense that no one wants to touch it.





Are you going to try this deck? Think there are better uses for The Great Aurora? Did you somehow manage to actually win even a single game with this deck? Let us know in the comments or with a hand written letter!