Wednesday, May 04, 2016

I Wanted This Game to Last Five Hours Anyways

Just waiting for my turn.

Hello again cardboard ninjas, Gaige here with our least popular article of the week. I do know that at least one person reads it so here we are. It is Wizard's Tower Wednesday! If you missed last weeks installation we looked at cards from SOI that both would and wouldn't be a good fit in a Wizard's Tower. For those of you that meant to click on an article about standard but are still somewhat intrigued and have no idea what Wizard's Tower is check out our introduction.

So it's 8pm and you want to play magic but you're thinking "I really only want to play one game, but I also don't want to go to sleep for another 4 or so hours. I also want the game to start out fun and then become significantly less fun, but then come back around FULL FORCE and be fun again." These cards will do that. You'll start a game of Wizard's Tower and end up playing a game of Gilligan's Island where that one asshole keeps breaking your coconut radio and you just can't leave. Don't let that scare you off though, these will still be pretty fun to add to your tower.

The party don't start till I walk in.

This card is just too ridiculous for people to get mad about. I don't care if you could kill everybody this turn and win the game, if you play this face down as a land you don't deserve to play Wizard's Tower. Or have friends. Or have any sort of happiness in your life. This is the most bonkers card I have ever seen and I'm a little surprised that this is in a real set and not an Un-set. Either way, this card was practically printed for Wizard's Tower and will change everyone's position in the game. Keep in mind that this card is 100% more effective if when you play it you slam it down and yell "WILD CARD!"

If you look closely at this card you can see the despair on your opponents faces.
This card is also fun, game changing, and lets the luck of a die roll determine whether Kyle throws a tantrum and quits early. This is another great card that can level the playing field and just keep the game going. Some people will go balls to the wall and put everything in one pile and hope that the odds are ever in their favor (like Hunger Games. Do you get it?). Some will distribute their permanents into three piles so that no matter what they lose there are minimal casualties. Some will be so overwhelmed by this card that they will retreat inside themselves and be caught in an internal struggle, facing their inner demons. This internal struggle will cause them to enter the game as a red mage and finish as what every magic player eventually becomes: single, salty (both literally and figuratively), and never having enough cards to fill that void. Or they might just end up a blue mage which is debatably worse.

Dan: This card makes me rock hard, and I played it in my first standard deck I ever made after I started playing again. It was not a good deck.

The stairs are crumbling just like your opponents hopes of ever playing a different game.

For those of you that hate red and blue cards here is a nice change of scenery. With this everyone gets to hold hands and bond over the fact that they are losing everything that once meant something to them, but they are doing this together. That's what this card is really about. Togetherness. And if you are any sort of true friend, you will exile a couple lands before finally exiling this card to make sure everyone gets to enjoy this wild ride. Like the other cards mentioned above this just turns the tides of the game and can potentially restart the game from square one. Which as mentioned before, you started at 8 pm and wanted a nice four hour game of Magic anyways. This at least is a silly way to set back the clock and when you give people the silly way, they at least smile through the tears.

Now for the cards you probably don't want to add...

There's still time for someone to break this in standard. That person could be you.

This card could be absolutely ridiculous but you need some clearly defined rules before hand. Since everything can be considered a land how do you interact with this card? Do you allow everyone to play any number of cards in hand as lands or is everything in the deck considered a land so you can play any number of permanents from hand? The last thing you want to do is confuse people or make it look like you're making up rules. I tried making up rules in Magic once. We ended with one person spinning in a chair while the other threw a 60 cards at them. Whatever they caught while they were spinning is what they were allowed to use in their deck. Sure I was eleven, but no one has let me make up rules since.

Dan: We also made up rules when we all started playing again. Like, we thought everything that blocked a dude with deathtouch died, regardless how much power the deathtoucher had, so if you could get 20 dudes to block your Typhoid Rats, you got a nice 20-for-1.

Wizards, plz nerf.

Like all old Magic art, I have no idea what is happening in this image.
This card won't make the game long because of what it does, but because you'll have to explain phasing to anyone who isn't familiar with it. Phasing sounds simple enough but after you've explained it seven or so times and everyone at the table finally gets how it works you'll have the first person still not interact with it correctly. There are reasons phasing and banding and flanking are no longer printed on cards. Playing cards like these gets you on the "don't play magic with this person" list. If you somehow manage to get everyone to understand phasing and how this card works then go ahead and try this out. I'm sure you'll have a fun time with it, or you'll realize that after explaining it to everyone, you still have no idea what phasing does.

Want to know where I found these cards? Want to know where I get my motivation to write an article that no one reads? Want to know what phasing actually does? Leave a comment or shoot us a message.


  1. The rules for banding were quite simple: whoever won the recess scuffle got to define how damage priority worked. Since we were all a bunch of uncoordinated nerds in the library, we replaced physical contact with verbal sniping. Ta-da!

    Best imaginary rule: +1/+1 on Frozen Shades were permanent. After all, it doesn't SAY it lasts only until end of turn. Arms races ensued.

    1. Yeah that sounds about right. The alpha nerd did always get to pick the rules.