Sunday, January 01, 2017

What to Expect in Aether Revolt

A first look at spoiled Aether Revolt card art

With Aether Revolt starting spoilers on Monday, we at Heavy Salami Research, Finances, and Party Planning Inc. have used physics and pagan rituals to determine what cards we can expect to see in the next set. If you want to see how accurate our salamintific methods are check out our Eldritch Moon article to see what we were right about and what we were hilariously wrong about (which is nothing because we used science). Let's take a look at some of the exciting cards we can expect to see in Aether Revolt!

A Chandra Story Related Spell

Chandra was separated from her parents at a young age and thought she was the reason they died. Well to her pleasant surprise she didn't kill them and her mom was even alive. In Aether Revolt some shit is going to go down and Chandra will do whatever to keep her mom safe. And I mean absolutely whatever. She would probably hook up with Tezzeret and make weird metal fire babies if it meant keeping her mom safe. We can definitely expect to see a card reflecting what Chandra will do to stay with her mom and help fight in the rebellion.

A New Mechanic

If you don't get the reference

This one is kind of a freebie, because with a new set there will obviously be a new mechanic. I'm hoping however that this mechanic will interact with other peoples energy in some way. I realize it won't be because it would make it useless outside of this block, but I really just want a way to screw someone who's player an Aetherworks Marvel deck by taking their energy away. At least with how I made this, you can drain energy but ultimately get energy regardless of whether you drain them or not. If it's not this (which it won't be, but a salami can dream) it will be some artifact thing.

The "Anti-Oath" Cards

With all the good planeswalkers having oaths and a buddy system and the first introduction of a bad planeswalker we can probably expect to see an "anti oath." I imagine over time we'll have a big bad team up with Tezzeret, Nicol Bolas, and John Travolta who all have the "Fuck the multiverse" oaths. Tezzerets will deal with some artifacts things and probably hurt your opponents ability to use planeswalkers. Then we can probably expect to see a Bolas one in Amonkhet and we'll have a John Travolta oath in the following block.

Some Way To Deal With Smuggler's Copter And Aetherworks Marvel

With Smugglers Copter and Aetherworks Marvel being so dominant hopefully we'll find some form of removal that is fairly versatile. Something like this would prevent a Copter with haste being used right away and it would prevent Aetherworks Marvel from being used the turn it's played. It can also remain on the battlefield to keep their artifacts in check, or you can sac it to destroy just one. I'm no R&D but I think this could work. The mana costs probably need to be fixed but hopefully Wizard's will see this and hire me.

A Big Green Thing That Everyone Says Is Bad But Then Is A 4 Of In Every Green Deck

It seems every set has that one big green thing that everyone writes off as unplayable until someone plays it and all of a sudden it's the best card in the set. We can probably expect to see some neat looking big green thing that will get a "this might be good when Ishkana rotates out. 2/5" and then a week after some big event everyone will go "whoa huh this gundam creature is actually really good. 5/5." I'm looking forward to this and will prepare for this by buying every mythic green card in bulk while they're cheap and sell them when it ultimately escalates. I'll probably lose money but it's really more about sending a message.

A Fun But Difficult Win Condition

In Zendikar we had Felidar Sovereign and Hedron Alighnment. In Innistrad we had Triskaidekaphobia. In Kaladesh we haven't seen one yet and with a revolt coming it would make sense that we get some weird aether or mechanical win condition. I'm sure it'll be more like "If you control 20 or more artifacts you win the game," but I like to dream and this was one of the wackier ways that you could potentially win a game.

Hints At What's To Come

So we now have an interplanar portal that anything can go through opened in an artifact heavy world. The eldrazi are sleeping so what big threat could be coming? I don't know what might be next but this weird black oil has just started showing up everywhere. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Let's just go to Amonkhet and see whats happening over there and we can return to Kaladesh to see the world rebuilding after this revolt. Oh look at this! It is rebuilt but everything is some sort of weird oil creature and everything has "poison." Now entering New New Phyrexia! Population: everyone.

Now I'm no artist so I can bet that these cards will have more professional looking art when they are released, but other than that, these are exact, word for word, cards we can expect to see in Aether Revolt. Once spoiler season is finished we'll link back to this article to show you how correct we really were.

Have your own card predictions? Want these art versions rather than the one Wizards will release? Want to tell us how you're going to lie to yourself about making 2017 better? Tell us in the comments or with a message! Also feel free to spit 140 characters at us through twitter @Heavy_Salami We also plan on doing some streaming soon so check out our Twitch channel


  1. The artwork for Tezz's Denial is absolutely inspired, with the glowy middle finger. I hope Wizards picks it up and/or gives you the proper credit.

    1. I'm hoping Wizard's sees some of these and decides to hire me as an artist.