|How you'll look as you go collect all those prize packs.|
Oh yeah, that's the shit. This deck is jammed full of fatties, ramp, and the most dope Planeswalker in Standard.
|"Suck my dick, Gideon" - Fishwizard|
Competitive? Fuck yeah it is. It's done quite well in testing. It smashes control decks without any issues, it can survive the aggro onslaught, and sometimes Bant notices it's there. But how, Dan? How does this Kiora-fueled extra-turns Eldrazi-poopin' deck function? Don't worry bby, I got you. Me and my girl Kiora are gonna fill you in on these super sweet sultry Simic secrets, and then you too can ride an octopus to victory.
|How it feels to play this deck. Except with more corndogs.|
The actual Big Green Bluizers (Creatures):
Spoiler alert: This is a ramp deck. We use our low cost spells to get an insane mana-advantage on our opponent, and then pull a Tony Hawk and ramp into sick shit. Let's look at these dudes, starting with the early game plays, and see how each will contribute to our inevitable victory.
|He both grows 'shrooms and is 'shrooms.|
Some other considerations for this slot are Sylvan Advocate if you have a bunch of extra dollars, or Ulvenwald Captive if you're recently lost all your money. I personally like Cultivator over Captive, since he can chip in for some damage if you don't need to mana, trades up late-game thanks to Deathtouch, and doesn't require additional mana investments to be useful later. That said, if you aren't lucky and aren't finding any of your big dudes, Ulvenwald Captive's flipside is fairly strong. Advocate is Advocate - the card is stupid and perfect. Use that if you can.
|I once jokingly traded a pack to the guy across from me during an Origins draft, and it had a Nissa. Never again.|
|She also gets rebellious and gets a tattoo that says "Ashaya."|
If I owned four of her, I'd probably make her a four-of, but such is life. I could see dropping a Nissa's Pilgrimage for the 4th copy.
|I never realized that those are tents on the island. This dude is big.|
|This art is both terrifying and oddly arousing.|
He starts somewhere between a humble 5/5 to 7/7, and quickly becomes a gigantic monster that can rumble with any creature in Standard, even Brisela! He also ramps when he enters the battlefield, letting us grab a valuable Sanctum of Ugin or Lumbering Falls, so having him hit by Reflector Mage isn't the end of the world. Overall I think he's good, but I'll need to do more testing to find out if this slot should just be another Drowner or maybe an Ishkanah, Grafwidow - I mean, I guess we can technically activate her ability off of Deathcap Cultivator, right...?
|Oh hey, that's the Hallowed Fountain in the background.|
|I understand Ulamog because I too am ceaselessly hungry.|
|"This probably isn't good" - Everyone on Innistrad.|
As a 13/13 flying trample for 13 (Hey look, Gaige called it!), Emma closes out the game super, super fast. She has protection from instants, and just about nothing blocks her well, so the opponent has a very short time to find some sort of answer. Honestly, I think Ulamog is the stronger card of the two, but diversifying to include an Emma or two is a good idea just to dodge a game-ending Infinite Obliteration. Also, you get to mind control people! I'll pay extra for that.
Other spells 'n' shit:
Every other spell in this deck (with the exception of Part the Waterveil) is wholeheartedly dedicated to piling a fuckload of land on the table, giving us extra mana, looking for extra lands, or looking for more big dudes. It is both elegant and sexy. I'm not even gonna talk about Explosive Vegetation and Nissa's Pilgrimage, as those are pretty self-explanatory. I guess just realize you can grab Islands with Vegetation, which you will most likely want to do, since there are several other ways to find Forests.
|Man, I hate Nissa, and I hate that I have a deck featuring her so much.|
|I love me some Time Walk. Especially when it can kill people.|
The fail case for this card is just cycling it to take another turn, which still isn't bad. You get to draw a new card and play another land, making it the slowest and most expensive ramp spell ever printed. Desperate times, desperate measures. But who knows - maybe you just needed one more land to get out that World Breaker which is going to turn the tide of the game? In a deck with this much mana, Part becomes a flexible card, and I've had good experiences with it.
|Encouraging tentacle fetishes everywhere.|
+1: Untap up to one target creature and up to one target land.
Ok, so the fail case scenario for this one is that you can untap a land. That's still ramp! Sometimes you run her out on turn four, use her plus, untap a green source, and play an Oath of Nissa. Not too shabby. The ceiling on this ability is incredible, too. If you have a Deathcap Cultivator, you can skyrocket your mana very quickly. In the late game, if you have a Shrine of the Forsaken Gods, her plus on Deathcap and Shrine nets you an insane three extra mana for colorless spells. That's big game, and it can allow you to cast several extremely potent cards in one turn. I've cast Ulamog followed up by a Part the Waterveil, and it is sexy as all getout.
-2: Reveal the top four cards of your library. You may put a creature and/or a land card from among them into your hand. Put the rest into your graveyard.
This is one of our best card advantage engines. Typically, by the time you want to minus her, you've already cast plenty of ramp spells, so all you really want are utility lands and creatures, which this grabs for you. Awesome. It also tosses some more cards into the graveyard, ensuring your Emrakul gets a good discount.
-8: Beat the shit out of your opponent with a pile of Octopii.
Three 8/8s is probably enough to win the game, but just in case it isn't, you get to fight everything as well. And then for the rest of the game, all of your creatures get to fight something when they enter the fray. Your creatures are very, VERY big, and will probably win the fights. Except the Eldurzi scions from Drowner of Hope - they aren't the best fighters.
All in all, Kiora does everything this deck could want, and she plays a big role in the consistency and speed of Big Green Bluizers.
Lands are fun:
The lands are straightforward for a two-color ramp deck. We shove in the relevant man-land, a couple of the pains, and then add in the strong ramp lands available to us.
|There's something foreboding about Ugin summoning all these Eldrazi...|
|GET IT, EACH OF THE STATUE DUDES LOOK LIKE ONE OF THE TITANS!|
Matchups and Sideboard:
Aggro decks can be rough, depending on how explosive of a start they get. I recommend trading off your Deathcaps and Nissas for their creatures early and often. Slamming a Kiora will distract the opponent from your life total, and if they let her live, you can plop out an early Drowner of Hope. Drowner is our best card in the matchup - it taps down their best attackers, and can also trade off with some dudes. World Breaker is also great, since it gets rid of Always Watching, Gryff's Boon (permanently), or one of their few lands.
I have four Gnarlwood Dryad in my sideboard to fight agro decks. A free trade for one mana is great, as it protects our life total and doesn't take up a ton of mana to do so. Pulse of Murasa pairs great with Gnarlwood too, letting us gain a bunch of life and re-deploy a deathtouchy blocker. I also bring in two Crush of Tentacles. Surging them with Oath of Nissa or Gnarlwood Dryad gets us a massive blocker while clearing their board, and then we're golden.
Bant is stupid. I won't lie to you guys and say that this will always beat Bant. Bant will probably Spell Quell you to death, since your deck is quite susceptible to that once they know what's going on. The best I can to is try to let them murder you less quickly.
Be sure to only sneak in ramp spells when you think you can dodge a Queller, which I realize isn't often, but at least try. Deathcap is good here since he lets us play our four-cost spells slightly earlier, giving us a better opportunity to dodge the Quellers. If we make it past the four mana point, we are home free. World Breaker and Ulvenwald Hydra are exceptional blockers that they don't want to bounce, and Drowner can rumble with all of their creatures while also alleviating pressure. Ulamog gets rid of... fuckin' whatever, and Part the Waterveil Awakening a land is excellent pressure.
I'd sideboard in the Crush here, just because getting back your ramp spells off of Spell Quellers will jump you into the late game. It also slows them down considerably, since you're bouncing back multiple creatures they may have gotten off of Collected Company, and it will take them longer to redeploy in a fair manner. I've found some success with Jace, Unraveller of Secrets as well, since he's just outside of Queller range, can bounce them to get your spells back, or gives us more cards for late-game. I've also played some Altered Ego's against this deck, since making a bigger version of one of their creatures is an awesome way to put through damage. He's also top dawg against Reflector Mage, as you can cast him right away, since the card's name is Altered Ego, but when he was on the battlefield he had the name of whatever he copied. Also, fuck it, you can just copy a Reflector Mage to have a gigantic X/X+1 dude who bounces their scary guys.
The current popular flavors of control are excellent matchups for us. Thanks to the outrageous dominance of Bant, the control decks are build to remove a flurry of small creatures until they can land their big threats. That doesn't quite get the job done against us. You may lose your Deathcap Cultivators, but sticking Nissa's Pilgrimages and Explosive Vegetation will put you ahead on mana, and then your threats scale past theirs. World Breaker cuts them off mana or utility lands, and is huge. Drowner isn't at his best in this matchup, but tapping down a Gisela or Kalitas is a nice upside, and he does dodge Languish, Grasp of Dankness, and Ultimate Price. This matchup basically boils down to "How soon can I cast Ulamog?"
In the next few games, I bring in Sphinx of the Final Word - an evasive threat that is not easy for most decks to do anything to. Altered Ego can be fun, because nothing beats Brisela quite like a larger Brisela. I also add in one or two Tireless Tracker, since all it takes is one ramp spell to net us a butt ton of clues, and if she isn't dealt with immediately, she wins. SoI Jace can be good here as well, since he gives us more cards and can reset a Brisela or a pumped up Kalitas.
Big dudes! Extra turns! Fishwizardlady! What more could you want from a deck? Oh, maybe to not spend like $200 on it. Never fear, budget wizards. If you want to cast big guys on a budget, you can give this list a try:
This list doesn't have the Titans, which is obviously not great, but Gaea's Revenge is a super annoying card. Taking extra turns on turn five when you have a gigantic 8/5 beater that can't be targeted by kill spells is usually enough to seal the game. Most importantly, this brings the price of the list waaaay down to around $60, and that can be lessened further by replacing Crush of Tentacles and Part the Waterveil with whatever ramp target you desire. Though I don't get why you wouldn't desire extra turns; that shit is awesome.
That's my Standard deck, folks. Now if you see me at a tournament, you can be like "This goober is about to cast Kiora, isn't he?" and get your Spell Quellers all sorts of set up. Also, stop playing Bant, I hate you. (JK I love you but I think we need to have a talk)