Thursday, December 22, 2016

Magic Cards Imagined as Beers

Soon to be Heavy Salami team shirts

There have been moments in history where some brave soul decided to combine two things together that seemed like an odd combination but brought about a revolutionary result. Honey and mustard, ranch and pizza, a ladle and promiscuous behavior. Us revolutionaries here at Heavy Salami Industries brought together drinking and Magic. Now we may not have been the first but we are by far the heaviest and we are doing so the most regularly. In honor of this beautiful union of two different families I have created this tribute.

"Battling Eldrazi all day can be tough. When you get home you just want to relax. Why not do that with a refreshing Ruinous Path? Unlike beer Ruinous Path has a crisp apple taste that makes for a subtle but sweet flavor. Made from real Bala Ged apples, Ruinous Path is naturally gluten free and comes in a variety of flavors including Bala Ged Berry which adds to the already fruity flavor, Ondu Orange for a refreshing citrus twist, and Tazeem Tropical which combines all different fruits for the perfect mix of sweet, sour, and smooth. Ruinous Path, for those who take the path less traveled. Please drink responsibly"

"Wait, what's that sound? Was that just the wind or are spirits about? Neither, that's the sound of a fresh Topplegeist being opened. In a world full of horrors and bitterness it's always nice to come home to something sweet. It may not take the cold out of a biting rain but it will take the sting out of what you saw over in the woods. The berries are handpicked by anyone brave enough to venture into our vineyard without protection. Just remember, it wasn't just the wind, it was Topplegeist. Don't worry about drinking responsibly, there's a 90% chance you'll die in your sleep tonight anyways."

"When the sun is down after a full day of inventing, grab a Midnight Oil to keep those gears turning well into the night. Midnight Oil is an Aether infused Chocolate Stout and because of this is lighter than other stouts on the market. The chocolate that we use adds another layer of lightness and smoothness to this already polished craft and is imported all the way from Peema. We over at Ghirapur Brewing Co. are inventors like you and promise to give you the best beer in all of Kaladesh."

"When your thirst is stronger than your blood lust, grab a Savage Punch. Stronger than Abzan goat milk and with more flavor than a Sultai wine, Savage Punch is both balanced and complex. Made from freshly punched mangos Savage Punch only uses the finest ingredients like grains from the base of the Qal Sisma mountains and whatever else we find that seems good. Savage Punch, when the only savage thing about you is your thirst...and your blood lust."

"If you liked Akroan Hopps, you'll love our new Akroan Hop-Lite. Akroan Hop-Lite has the same bold and bright taste that you've come to love and with fewer calories. All of our ingredients are imported from Setessa and blessed by Karametra herself. Sure you could drink a craft beer from Meletis but Akroan Hop-Lite is the beer of warriors and strength. We're devoted to you so you can be devoted to the gods."

I plan on making more of these as I find more cards and have more ideas but for now this is all I've got. Now who else is thirsty? *Beer opening sound*

Edit by Dan:

I used to brew beer, but haven't for a while now since space is limited in my apartment. Sometime soon-ish I plan on starting again, and then we'll make these a reality.

Want to tell us which one sounds like you'd actually drink it? Do you hate beer? Are you tired of the weather in your area? Let us know in the comments or send us a private message if you want to be a bit more risque!


  1. Hop-Lite wins the name by a full phalanx and a half but I think the taste-winner would be the Midnight Oil Stout. Perhaps a coffee stout instead of chocolate for thematic purposes?

    In unrelated news, give the Left Hand Brewing Milk Stout a try (Colorado-based brewery).

    1. I'm not much of a stout drinker - IPAs all day. Or, you know, cheap garbage beer.