LET'S. GET. ROWDY.

YO-HO, THE SAILOR'S LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME, YO-HO

Oh my lordy, hello everybody. This is Dan, and just like Jace boy up there, I've forgotten everything about Magic and am now a pirate. It's been a bit, but Ixalan has me purchasing a one-way ticket on the hype train. There are so many wild cards coming out, and whether you like old-timey Pirate debauchery, super-old-timey Dinosaur stompin', fish people, or vampires for some reason, this set has something tasty for you.

But what is most delicious? There's a whole lot of off the wall effects floating around, and it's tough to sift out what will hit and what will miss. I mean, gathering treasure could be a real win condition. Or it could be a total flop like a lot of other cards I wanted to be good.

Well, at least you tried.

I'm not going to lie, I'm only about 50-50 on my predictions for cards that will be good. Some cards I've correctly guessed (thank you, Dragonlord Ojutai), but with some I've been a little off base, like the ol' red Dark Confidant up there.

SO, I'm going to list off my top 5. What is it a top five of? I dunno man, flip a coin. Either these are gonna be the 5 worst cards in the set, or the 5 best cards in the set. I'm leaning towards the former, but we'll see what happens. Either way, they're cards that have me wicked excited.

Natually, I'm not going to list the obvious ones. That stupid 4 cost dino that draws a card when it takes damage is really good. I think we all agree you don't need my shitty opinion on it. Today we're lookin' at some of the more off-beat shitty stuff that I would be more likely to play. You know, the real zesty shit.

Oh I LIKE that

Your life total is lookin' a little too high, bub.

"What are we doing SHOOTING all these cannon balls that I could be using as maces?"

By god, let's get wacky. This one is going to get me and Gaige killed in 2HG for sure. It might even be us that casts it.

So it dies to Glorybringer, which is a huge issue. However, it pairs nicely with Arguel's Blood Fast, getting your life lower in order to flip and start the lifegain. If this card was a 4/5 it would be bonkers, but sadly we live in the real world and Wizards hates Orc Pirate Wizards. For some reason.

Menace Deathtouch is a pretty sick combo, and if this dude goes down he goes down swingin'. It could be a decent sideboard card for an aggro deck. Or not. Let's pre-order four just in case though.


For when you really need to kill that land.

Fuck that forest in particular.

So this is barely a land destro spell. It kills a whole lot of other shit, though, so i'll allow it. This seems fun for a ramp deck to sideboard in, especially if you're playing someone running the new flippy lands. Even though Hour of Devastation is still a thing, being able to slap this big mamba jamba to take out things like Carnage Tyrant and Vraska seems like a good option to have.

The past few years, ramp decks have had insane shit like Ulamog as a top end, so they could go bigger than any deck. These days it looks like ramp will be slinging Dinos with the rest of us Neanderthals, so Planeswalkers with high loyalty are an issue again. Well, until we drop a meteor on that forest.

Hatebears - with three toughness!

"X gonna give it to ya"

Obviously this card sticks out as a killer sideboard card against Felidar Guardian Ishkana Cloudblazer? But I think there's more to it. They also released Old-Growth druids, a 3/3 for G with a negative enter the battlefield effect. If enough of these effects show up, Tocatli begs to be a build-around for some janky deck.

I know that's not a great idea, but hey, none of mine are. It's still a good card even if that Standard Hatebear deck (Ooo Nimble Obstructionist could be fun) doesn't pan out. There are rumblings of modern decks like there is with every card, though, so we'll see. If you can pick up one or two cheap, I'd give it a whirl.

Vampires suck. Except this one, he can stay.

"Yarr we be sea vampires. Like brave Pirate Mosquitos."

This card is a doozy. In a WB control deck, this is a big, powerful finisher. Sure, it dies a bit too easily, but in a format with a good WB control deck, you should be able to exhaust their resources and stick this, at which point untapping probably ends the game. I mean, Harsh Scrutiny looks like a great card right now, so just take their Glorybringer with that. Whamo, Standard solved. Creature-light decks decks can use this as a Kalitas sideboard replacement as well. Vigilance is pretty dope, so you can get pressure going and start lifelinking without waiting for people to swing in.

And it's also an extra way to deal with Artifacts and Enchantments that's stapled to a win-con. Either way, I'm going to be picking up a few for EDH nonsense anyways, so we might as well try it in Standard too.


LET'S GET ROWDY, BOYS

"WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILORRR?!"

Come on man, why isn't this a Goblin Pirate? It's ok, I'll probably still play it so you win again Wizards. But anyways, this card is SO much fun to play with. I've been testing it with Gaige and man am I ready to get Rowdy.

My favorite is playing this with Claim to Fame and some spicy one-and two-drops. Pick your favorite, whether it be Kitesail Freebooter, reanimating a Siren Stormtamer, or just a good old fashioned Scrapheap Scrounger. "Oops, it made me discard Claim to Fame, and now I still have these 2 dorps!" Don't worry, you can just dorp them and tap a sassy two for some Fame and get to clobbering with your R O W D Y B O I S.

When it actually hits for counters, it's a legit threat. Honestly it's a shame that Prized Amalgam, Haunted Dead, and company just rotated out, because this would have been amazing in an Elder Deep Fiend deck. So while it may not end up being powerful in the current standard, there's a real chance that some new cards get printed that sends the Rowdy Crew off the rocker.

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Ayy that's it. We gonna be jammin' soon boys. The Pre-Release is conveniently on my birthday, so let's hope I crack some goodies. I mean, I won't, but it doesn't really matter because I already pre-ordered four Rowdy Crew. So it kind of feels like I won anyways.

Think of something Zanier? Do you too subscribe to Rowdy Crew hype magazine? Do you believe in life after love? Whatever you wanna say, drop a comment or send a message using the form on the right. Find our quips and dank memes, look for on the US Official Presidential National Communications System (Twitter) @Heavy_Salami!